Queenmania (ITV)

If you're reading this, expecting me to slag off this show, then you're very much mistaken. This was a finely crafted tribute to Queen, featuring respected performers bringing new interpretations to some of Queen's classic and best-loved tunes, allowing us to fondly remember this giant of a rock group.

...is not a paragraph that could be used of this show. OK, I'm probably biased being a) a huge Queen fan (no, really?) and b) not beinga huge ITV fan, to say the least. I didn't expect very much of this at all and it truly delivered.

Where to start? At the beginning, I guess. After pulling off a fairly convincing Freddie pose, Zoe Ball, our host for the evening, told us we were going to "turn the amps up" and later that we'd need our "headbanging" gear.

In fact, only one of the songs chosen could be described as heavy rock, One Vision, the first track sung competenly, but not outstandingly, by Sporty Spice (sorry, Mel. C.).

This was followed, after a short video compilation about how great Queen were, with... a commercial break. Less than ten minutes, and only one song, in. After the break, we were promised "Lesley Garret and G4 singing together for the first time". Which they duly did. Singing Barcelona, which isn't even a Queen song, for crying out loud.

After that, I guess the track list was a little better. Four of the blokes from Coronation Street did a take-off of the video for I want to Break Free (which itself was a take-off of Corrie - you see what they did there?), which at least had comedy value, although it would've been even funnier to see them attempt the ballet bit. Though for an item that was hugely hyped before and during the show, to see this happen so soon was a bit of an anti-climax.

Heather Small's interpretation of Somebody to Love was underwhelming, to say the least. Considering how big her voice is, and the fact she was supported by a fairly healthy number of backing singers, this was bland in extreme - lacking any of the energy and drive of that song. And the least said about Toyah's rendition of Don't Stop me Now, complete with blatantly-miming backing musicians, the better.

Quality control went up a bit with the inclusion of a rendition of Too much love will kill you by Mylene Klass, of Hear'say fame. This was very good, to be honest; I sort of knew she could play the piano, but she was clearly the talented one in that group. This was a rendition of what is probably one of Queen's lesser-known songs and she pulled it off very well. OK, it was edited; but so were all the others and this suffered less than the others.

Unfortunately, Russell Watson's version of Who wants to live forever was not edited. His singing wasn't bad (although he does have a strange diction at times), but the whole thing, again, was so bland and undramatic. Perhaps it was me; I'd wanted thi, if I was honest, to be bad. But all the power and emotion of one Brian's best ballads completely drained away. And they got the chords wrong during the verse.

After the third (or fourth) commercial break, we were left with what should have been the climax: We Will Rock You and We are the Champions, anyone? No. You're my Best Friend, sung by man of the moment Tony Christie, and G4's awful version of Bohemian Rhapsody, actually. To be fair, Christie's reading of Best Friend as smooth-jazz/lounge music song was little short of genius and worked really well, one of only two songs here to interest and provide something different. I've not heard G4's single version of Bo Rap, but if this was it, then it is truly bad, sucking all the charm out of the work and, scandolously, cutting it down, something even Queen (even Rolf Harris, for Pete's sake) never contemplated. And they should not be attempting the heavy rock bit at all. Mylene Klass and Mel C might have ben a better combination, but then they haven't got a single of the song to promote.

So, that's the running order demolished. What else? The video interludes shed no light on Queen at all, telling you nothing you didn't know, except Freddie was a good singer and they could do a good concert - especially Freddie. In fact, the whole thing equated Queen with Freddie which, whilst understandable, was lazy in the extreme and meant not one mention of Roger, Brian or John - scandalous. Ball's script was over-the-top and inaccurate, stating Queen rose to the top almost immediately (in fact, it took them three years before they even released a single; 4 before they got a top 10 hit).

So, I'm sorry, but I didn't enjoy this. To be honest, I'd rather listen to the real thing than some poor cover versions of the songs. Only Klass and Christie stood out as gems amongst the trash; couldn't they release singles instead of G4? That would be good.

Next week, it's "Madonna Mania". I'm no Madonna fan, but I hope she gets better treatment than this.